Q: I have noticed that, since taking a deep dive into the OT, I am wrestling with some tension around how God disciplined the Israelites. I feel suddenly like I need to “walk the line” or God will inflict consequence. I have always struggled with a performance based personality. In my head, I know God is loving, kind and merciful. I know God sent Jesus so we could live free. But I am having a hard time truly believing that as I work through the OT. It’s as if I feel as though I am being watched, and if I don’t do “right” in God’s eyes, that my family will become hurt or ill, or our business will suffer, etc.
I don’t want to live as though I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I just want to rest in my faith, in God’s goodness and graciousness. I want to feel loved by God and to trust that I am not constantly being judged or criticized. Yet I don’t know how to get from here to there. If you have any insight or wisdom to share, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you!
I feel honored that you would trust me to ask me about the emotional tension that you’re feeling. You are certainly not alone, and, in fact, I truthfully think that the tension you are beginning to feel is a good thing and not a bad thing. Because I don’t think it will last forever.
There were two sentences in your question that stood out to me. The first one was, “I feel suddenly like I need to ‘walk the line’ or God will inflict consequence.” The second one was, “I don’t want to live as though I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.” In these two sentences particularly, I hear you wrestling with the discomfort of feeling like judgment is pending and saying, essentially, “This doesn’t feel good. I don’t like this.” Furthermore, I can recognize myself in some of what you are saying here. I also have insecurities around my performance, and I often feel the self-imposed pressure to be perfect all the time. I understand what you’re saying, from first-hand experience. I have a cluster of thoughts in response.
First, you’re perfectly normal to feel the way you feel. One of the primary messages of the Old Testament, starting from the very opening chapters, is that God judges sin. We rightly stand under God’s judgment for the ways in which we trespass the boundaries that God has prescribed for us as human persons. And, in fact, one day Jesus will come back to earth and judge us, all of us. To extend your metaphor: the Scriptures say that a day is coming when the other shoe will, in fact, drop. If that is true, then I think it means that there is something truthful about the fear and anxiety you feel about God judging you. God is a just judge. And if God judges us justly, we stand condemned. In other words, I don’t think it is helpful to rationalize away fear of judgment. Accept the fear, but listen to what God says to that fear. Which brings me to the second point…
Secondly, as you read the OT, listen to what God says to people who feel afraid of judgment. I would encourage you especially to pay close attention to how incredibly sloooooooooow God is to judge. That’s what the sacrifices were all about. God made a way for the people to receive a “stay of execution” over and over again until God sent Jesus to deal with the problem of sin once and for all. [That’s what the book of Hebrews in the NT is all about!] So take your fears of judgment to the Scriptures and hear what God says in response. What God says in response is (paraphrasing): “My property is always to have mercy.”
Thirdly, apply the Gospel to your fears. Take your fear to Jesus. God has given Jesus the authority to judge. Jesus is the one who is tasked with judging you. He is also the same person who died and rose again to save you. Jesus has promised that He will judge you. You can’t escape it. But Jesus also promises that, if you believe in Him, He will save you from that judgment. You have no other hope. Jesus promises to judge, but He also promises to save. All we have to do is trust His promises. Easier said than done, I know, but I think trusting in the promises of God really does bring comfort to our fearful and anxious hearts.
Those are my thoughts. I hope it helps. I’ll pray for you as you (and I, too) rest in Jesus.
Reading the Old Testament 